First Post – Day Six

As the title of this blog suggests I am currently in a really shitty situation with my marriage. 

I do not recommend any of the things I am about to start blogging about, if it was any of my friends in this situation for sure i would have already suggested that they cut and run, in fact I am almost 100% sure i have given that advice so many times whilst judging others marriages heavily, now here I am in the same shitty situation, well that will teach me for judging won’t it. 

Initial thoughts when your husband tells you he “cannot love you like you deserve.” Which by the way we’re 30, those cliche break up lines, really needed to be left back in 200something. Like what do you even say to that? I had no idea what he expected me to say, apparently though he was having a nervous breakdown so I am really glad he could get that off his chest. *insert eye roll here*

This is coming from the guy who has one of these outbursts on average once every one to two years, to be fair this one did seem a bit different to the others… it sounded more final. 

It has now been almost a week, and we’re just in bloody limbo, and to be honest it is really fucked up. 

The thing is, I always think if you are pretty and kind life will be sweet, I gauge way too much success on thinking that looking good and smiling and keeping your shit straight will sort your life out. Unfortunately this just isn’t the case.

When I look around, there are people walking hand in hand, being themselves, not worrying about how they look, but they’re enjoying each others company and seem happy. 

I always tell myself i am not affected by self image issues, or low confidence or self esteem but from the past couple of days and my thought processes, i can only say that i really am.

You no what really shits me? I realise that my husband has NEVER let me cook a roast, we were playing happy families for a triple date last night and there i was thinking while eating roast, he has NEVER let me cook a roast. Isn’t that just all kinds of fucked up.

My current thought process is currently very erratic. I go from a very serious cycle of fuck him thoughts and you dont need this emotional abuse, to omg omg omg omg i am going to loose him omg omg omg and then in there somewhere has now snuck in “really we are going to do all these things together after your outburst?” because old mate has decided we need to be stuck together like glue all of a sudden… 

I really prefer these moods where i think i am hilarious rather than the ones where i just start sobbing profusely, and I am such an ugly crier. Yesterday I started crying in the middle of my 12km run, so heaving sobs that some poor woman asked if i was ok… how embarrassing. 

Maybe this is your next favourite blog and you can enjoy reading the absolute highs and lows of my current life state.